Dylan Lennon

What I wish someone had told me when I moved here

I moved here in 2020. If Asheville's reputation as the "San Francisco of the South" has you expecting to trip over queers at every coffee shop, this is for you.

Today I play rec volleyball at Highland Brewing and can tell you where to find your people. Here's what I wish someone had told me that first month.

The Brutal Reality Check

Listen, a lot of people expect to hit the ground running here. Wrong. Let me save you some painful realizations (and if you're comparing cities, check out my Portland vs Asheville or Austin vs Asheville posts):

There's no gayborhood here. Haywood Road has Pride flags in plenty of shop windows, but it's not the Castro or Boystown. The gay community here is naturally woven into the city, not concentrated in one spot.

The town is... small. You'll see the same faces everywhere. By week two, you'll recognize half the local gay Instagram accounts. By month two, you'll know who's friends with who and why. It's like a yearbook, not a big city.

Two things can be true at once: Asheville is incredibly gay-friendly AND you still have to work to find your people. This isn't a city where you stumble into community. You build it, deliberately, one volleyball game or coffee shop conversation at a time.

Week 1: Coffee Shop Reconnaissance & Essential Setup

Days 1-2: Find YOUR Coffee Shop

Not the tourist ones. Not the ones Instagram tells you about. YOUR coffee shop.

A few good places to start:

Summit Coffee truck at RAD, handy after a greenway run
Rowan for actual work sessions - their West Asheville location is fantastic, period
Haywood Famous for evening hangouts (late night gay energy)

Your mission: Try one coffee shop each morning. Look for laptops, not cameras. Listen for conversations about local stuff, not "where should we eat tonight?" When you find more dogs than tourists, you've found your spot. (Check our business directory for all the gay-friendly coffee shops.)

Days 3-4: Download the Apps That Actually Work Here

Delete whatever city guides you downloaded. Here's what actually works:

Mountain Xpress - This is where you find real events, not tourist attractions. Their calendar is gold.

Facebook (yes, really) - I know, I know. But Asheville Queer Exchange is essential. It's where people post "Anyone want to hike Saturday?" or "Queer game night at my place." Join it immediately.

Instagram - Follow local businesses. They post everything. @haywoodfamous, @burialasheville, @highlandbrewing. This is your event calendar.

WAX app - For what's actually happening, especially late notice stuff.

Days 5-7: The Grocery Store Reality Check

Your first real community moments might happen in the produce section. I'm serious.

French Broad Food Co-op - Sunday mornings, the produce section is basically gay church. People make friends comparing tomatoes here.

Ingles - Where locals actually shop. Cheaper, less scene-y, but you'll start recognizing people.

Harris Teeter - Slightly fancier, good prepared foods for when you're too overwhelmed to cook.

Whole Foods - Tourist central, but sometimes you need that specific thing.

Pro tip: Go to the same store, same day, same time. Repetition builds recognition.

Week 2: Stop Being a Tourist, Start Being a Local

Join Asheville Queer Exchange Immediately

I cannot stress this enough. This Facebook group is where everything happens. People organizing hikes, looking for volleyball players, announcing pop-up events, asking for contractor recommendations.

Post an introduction. Be honest: "Hey, just moved here from [wherever], looking to meet people, I'm into [your things]." The response will restore your faith in humanity.

Find the Actual Gay Spots (Not What Google Says)

Google will tell you about drag brunches and pride events. That's tourist stuff. Here's where locals actually go:

Wednesday nights: Banks Ave for trivia. Mixed crowd, very gay energy, actual conversations.

Rec volleyball: Highland Brewing. Check with Highland for the current schedule.

Friday nights: First Friday art walk in River Arts District. Naturally gay energy without trying.

Any night: Burial Beer. Just trust me on this one.

Sunday mornings: Farmers market. The unofficial gay congregation. (See my weekend guide for more.)

Start Showing Up Consistently

Pick ONE thing. Show up every week. Even when you don't feel like it. Especially when you don't feel like it.

For me, it's rec volleyball at Highland Brewing.

The magic number is 4-6 weeks of consistent showing up. That's when people start recognizing you, including you in plans, remembering your name. (For more on this timeline, see my post about making gay friends here.)

Week 3: The Activity Strategy

Stop Suggesting "Coffee Sometime"

Nobody wants to "grab coffee sometime." Everyone wants to do a specific thing. Be the person who suggests specific things:

"I'm hiking Looking Glass Rock Saturday at 10am if anyone wants to join"
"Checking out the new exhibit at River Arts District, 2pm Sunday"
"Running the RAD greenway tomorrow at 6:30am"

Post these in Asheville Queer Exchange. Be specific about time, place, difficulty level. Show up even if nobody else does. Eventually, someone will. Then two people. Then you're organizing group hikes.

Find Your Sport/Activity

Asheville gays are active. Pick your fighter:

Running: Join the group runs at Bent Creek or Fleet Feet. Early morning RAD greenway has a regular crew.

Volleyball: Rec volleyball at Highland Brewing (check Highland for the current schedule). Cannot recommend enough.

Hiking: Every gay person here hikes. Join the Facebook groups, post your plans, people will come.

Climbing: Climbmax has a queer night. Good community.

Roller Derby: Asheville GritForce. Extremely gay energy.

The Farmers Market Strategy

Sunday mornings, downtown. This is not about vegetables. This is about community.

Route: Coffee from Pennycup, walk the entire market, pet all dogs, buy something from a queer vendor (you'll know), sit on the lawn and people watch. Repeat weekly. By week 4, you'll know people.

Week 4: Reality Adjustments & Setting Yourself Up

Accept the Timeline

It takes a full year to build real community here. I'm not saying this to discourage you - I'm saying it so you don't think you're failing when month 2 feels lonely.

My timeline was:

Months 1-3: Figuring out where things are
Months 4-6: One or two actual friends
Months 7-9: Starting to feel connected
Months 10-12: Suddenly in three group chats

Your timeline might be different. That's okay. The point is: it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Find Your Healthcare

Get this sorted now, not when you need it.

WNCHS (Western North Carolina Community Health Services) - Explicitly LGBTQ+ friendly, sliding scale, actually caring humans.

Planned Parenthood - Yes, they serve everyone. Excellent for routine care.

Find a therapist - Moving is hard. Being gay in the South is complex. Having someone to talk to helps.

Get Your Library Card

I'm serious. The library here is incredible and it's where you'll find:

Free events
Community boards
Quiet work space
People who actually live here

Plus the librarians know everything about everything.

Understand the Neighborhoods by Walking Them

Don't just drive through. Walk. Here's your week 4 assignment:

Monday: Walk West Asheville's Haywood Road. Start at Odd's, end at Haywood Common.

Tuesday: Walk downtown. Start at Malaprop's bookstore, wander.

Wednesday: Walk River Arts District. Peek into studios. Artists are chatty.

Thursday: Walk Montford. Beautiful houses, good energy.

Friday: Pick your favorite, go back, become a regular.

Common Mistakes (So You Don't Make Them)

Assuming there's a gayborhood. There isn't one. The community is everywhere and nowhere specific.

Not joining groups immediately. Don't wait months to join Asheville Queer Exchange.

Trying to recreate big-city life here. This is not a small version of wherever you came from. It's Asheville. Embrace what it is.

Waiting for invitations. They're not coming. You have to create them.

Being too proud to admit you're lonely. Everyone's been new. Say it out loud. People respond to honesty.

The Unwritten Rules Nobody Tells You

Everyone knows everyone. Six degrees of separation? Try two. That person you're talking to probably dated your barista's roommate. Be kind to everyone.

Showing up consistently matters more than being interesting. Be the person who shows up every week. That's how you become part of things.

Seasonal depression is real. January here hits different. The tourists leave, it's gray, everyone hibernates. Plan for it.

Being gay is naturally woven in, not the center of everything. (More on this in my gay life in Asheville overview.) Your gay identity matters here, but it's not the only thing that matters.

The "Asheville freeze" is real but breakable. People seem friendly but distant at first. It's not personal. Keep showing up.

Resources That Actually Help

Essential Facebook Groups

Asheville Queer Exchange (the main one)
LGBTQ+ Asheville Community
Queer Asheville Events
Asheville Hikers
Asheville Area Musicians (surprisingly gay)

Healthcare

WNCHS: (828) 285-0622
Blue Ridge Pride Center: Resources and referrals
Planned Parenthood: (828) 252-7928

Coffee Shops That Work for Work

Rowan (West Asheville) - Best wifi, good seating
Pennycup (Downtown) - Busy but reliable
Summit Coffee (RAD) - If you can work outside
Ultra (Downtown) - Good for meetings

Actual Gay-Friendly Businesses

Not just rainbow stickers, but actually queer-owned or genuinely welcoming:

Haywood Famous (bar)
All Day Darling (restaurant)
Flour (bakery/restaurant)
Horse + Hero (bar/restaurant)
Garden Party (plant shop)

The Truth About Making It Work Here

Look, I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. Most people spend their first month questioning everything. Where are all the gays? Why is everyone so friendly but nobody wants to actually hang out?

But here's what I know now: Asheville rewards persistence. It's not a city that gives itself up easily. You have to earn your place here. But once you do? Once you're in? It's magic.

I've got rec volleyball at Highland Brewing, the greenways and Beaver Lake for my runs, and spots where I can work, relax, and be fully myself.

A life here takes time to build. That first month is just the foundation. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with the city. Keep showing up.

Your Week-by-Week Checklist

Week 1:

Find your coffee shop
Download Mountain Xpress, WAX
Join Asheville Queer Exchange on Facebook
Try three different grocery stores
Walk one neighborhood completely

Week 2:

Post introduction in Asheville Queer Exchange
Attend one regular weekly event
Try trivia at Banks Ave (Wednesday)
Do First Friday art walk
Start recognizing three regular faces

Week 3:

Propose one specific activity publicly
Try one sport/activity group
Hit the farmers market Sunday
Have one actual conversation with a stranger
Pick your regular weekly thing

Week 4:

Set up healthcare
Get library card
Walk all main neighborhoods
Establish morning routine
Accept this is a marathon

Final Thought

I moved here in 2020, and I can't imagine living anywhere else. (For the full story of my move, check out my about page.) This city becomes home not in a moment but in accumulation - one coffee shop conversation, one volleyball game, one farmers market Sunday at a time.

Give it time. Give it effort. Show up consistently. The community you're looking for is here, it just takes longer to find than Google would have you believe.

And when you do find your people? When you're organizing the potluck and running the group chat? Remember the new person standing awkwardly at volleyball and invite them in.

Welcome to Asheville. Now go find your coffee shop and start showing up.

For more guides on LGBTQ+ life here, check out:

Questions about making Asheville home? Let's grab a coffee. I literally do this for a living.

Your First Month in Gay Asheville: The Survival Checklist