How to Make Gay Friends Here (It Took Me a Year)

The honest timeline and actual strategies that worked

Real talk: I moved to Asheville three years ago thinking my sparkling personality and aggressive use of rainbow accessories would immediately attract my people. WRONG. It took me a full year to build real friendships, and I'm going to save you that painful learning curve.

This isn't "join a book club!" advice. This is the actual blueprint for building queer community in a small mountain town where everyone already knows each other and you're the new gay trying to infiltrate.

The Brutal Truth Timeline

Month 1-2: Honeymoon phase. Everyone's friendly! The barista complimented your shirt! This will be easy!

Month 3-4: Wait, those were just southern manners. Nobody's actually trying to hang out.

Month 5-6: Desperate Instagram stalking of local gay friendly shops, bars, restaurants. Showing up alone to things. Panic.

Month 7-9: Breakthrough moments. One actual friend. Maybe two.

Month 10-12: Suddenly you're in three group chats and organizing the potluck.

If you're an extrovert, subtract 3 months. If you're over 40, add 3 months. If you're partnered, divide by 2. This is science. Ok, not really. In actuality, probably the opposite. It's an art. And everyone's art is going to look different.

Why It's Actually Hard

Small town dynamics are WEIRD. In big cities, people are always open to new friends because people leave constantly. In Asheville, sometimes I felt like friend groups formed in 2009 and ossified. In some respects you're not replacing anyone; you're asking to be added to a full roster.

HOWEVER, Asheville is full of transplants. And it's not new or strange or unusual to meet new people because they are literally coming every week.

The Strategies That Actually Work

1. The Coffee Shop Residency

Pick ONE coffee shop. Go at the same time. Become a regular. Mine was Odd's Cafe. I've mentioned elsewhere on this site that my first home was in West Asheville. I would make a habit of walking to Odd's most mornings with Wesley, and then once Wesley had his morning walk, sometimes I would go back and work remotely for a few hours...

Week 1-4: They recognize you Week 5-8: Small talk Week 9-12: Actual conversations Month 4: "Hey, we're doing a thing Saturday..."

This is slow-burn friend making. It works. (If you're an introvert like me...)

2. The Activity Trap

Nobody wants to "grab coffee sometime." I've "grab coffee sometimed" a million people. Because I love coffee, so it's not really a lie. But, everyone wants to do a specific thing. Be the person who suggests specific things:

• "I'm hiking Looking Glass Rock Saturday at 10 AM if anyone wants to join"
• "Checking out the new brewery Friday at 6"
• "Anyone want to hit the farmers market Saturday?"

Post in Facebook groups (there are a ton of Asheville-specific Facebook groups). Be specific. Show up even if nobody else does. Eventually, someone will.

3. The Gay Groups That Actually Exist

Facebook Groups (Yes, we still use Facebook, deal with it):

• Asheville Queer Exchange (the main one)
• LGBTQ+ Asheville Community
• Queer Asheville Events

Regular Meetups:

• Sunday farmers market (unofficial gay congregation)
• First Friday art walk in River Arts District (very gay energy)
• Specific brewery queer nights (check Instagram)

Sports/Activities:

• Asheville GritForce (roller derby, extremely gay)
• Various hiking groups (gays love nature here)
• Community gardens (especially in Montford)

4. The Volunteer Hack

Want to speed-run friendship? Volunteer for Pride. Or Blue Ridge Pride Center. Or any queer event. You'll meet everyone, have automatic conversation starters, and prove you're not just a tourist.

Plus, Asheville respects people who contribute. It's the fastest way from outsider to community member.

5. The Brutal Honesty Approach

I started being aggressively honest: "Hi, I'm new here and trying to make gay friends and it's weirdly hard."

The relief on people's faces. Everyone remembers being new. It opens doors.

6. The Things That Don't Work

• Dating apps for friends (it's always weird)
• Expecting bar friends to be real friends
• Trying to recreate your old city's social life
• Being too cool to try
• Waiting for invitations

The Personality Types You'll Meet

The Old Guard: Been here since the 90s, owns property, suspicious of newcomers, worth winning over

The Recent Transplants: Your actual friend pool, also desperate for connection, form an alliance

The Seasonal Queers: Here for summer/fall, gone for winter, don't get attached

The Mountain Gays: Only want to talk about hiking, actually do hike, will adopt you if you can keep up

The Art Gays: River Arts District residents, always covered in clay, surprisingly the most fun

The Burnouts: Moved here to escape something, might leave soon, proceed with caution

Age-Specific Strategies

20s

You're golden. Go to shows, join the discord, you'll have friends in 3 months.

30s

The hardest age. Too old for the kids, too young for the established folks. Focus on other transplants and activity groups.

40s+

Join everything. Book clubs, hiking groups, volunteer organizations. Your people are out there but they're busy with their gardens.

Coupled vs. Single

Coupled: You'll make couple friends faster but individual friends slower. Lead with activities you can do as couples. Host dinners.

Single: Harder initially but deeper connections faster. You're not a threat to anyone's relationship. Embrace being the fun single friend.

The Seasonal Reality

Summer: Everyone's social and available Fall: Busy with tourists but good energy Winter: This is when real friendships form (trauma bonding over seasonal depression) Spring: Everyone emerges ready to socialize

Start your friend-making push in late spring. By winter, you'll have your crew for hibernation.

Red Flags to Avoid

• People who only want to talk about how much better Asheville "used to be"
• Anyone still processing their breakup from 2019
• Groups that are weirdly closed to newcomers
• People who are leaving "next year" (for the past five years)
• Drama vampires (small town = concentrated drama)

The Investment Required

Real talk: Making friends here requires:

• Showing up consistently
• Hosting when you don't have friends yet
• Being vulnerable about being new
• Accepting that some people won't like you
• Understanding that it's not personal

When You Know You've Made It

• You're in the group chat
• Someone asks you to feed their cat
• You get invited to the private parties
• You have weekend plans you didn't make
• Someone calls you for advice
• You're complaining about new people moving here

My Actual Experience

Month 1: Went to everything alone, smiled too much, tried too hard Month 3: Considered moving back Month 6: Made a friend (now my best friend) at a cycle class in North Asheville Month 9: That friend introduced me to their friends Month 12: Suddenly had a community (mostly from volleyball) Year 2: Became someone who helps new people Year 3: Writing this guide

The Pep Talk

It's going to be harder than you expect. You're going to have lonely Saturdays. You're going to wonder if you made a mistake.

You didn't.

Asheville friendships are slow-burn but deep. Once you're in, you're family. These people will help you move, bring you soup when you're sick, and show up for your ridiculous themed parties.

It just takes time. And effort. And the willingness to be the new kid at 38.

The Cheat Code

Want to accelerate everything? Host something. Be consistent. They will come. For me, this was hosting weekly "Friday Night Lights" volleyball potlucks in the River Arts District.

Or just DM me. I remember being new. I'll introduce you to people. We take care of our own here, even if it takes us a minute to recognize you as ours.

Welcome to Asheville. Your people are here. You just have to find us.

Ready to visit? Check my weekend guide. Thinking about moving? Compare Asheville to Portland, Austin, or California cities.